The Letter he will never get
Funny how sometimes I feel I know you so well, but am unsure how to spell your name. Or Where you live. Or your email address.
There's a lot I want to say to you, a lot of the time. But I don't. This isn't normal for me, as I have a tendency to state my mind. Usually not an opinion I'm holding, but what I see as the truth. But some thinngs...with you..I haven't. I think I was in the process of figuring that out, and if I don't have conviction in what I say, I shut up ( and you may ask, so why isn't she shutting up now?)
Translating a gut feeling and a true yearning or need into words isn't the easiset, even when one has a background in self indulgent self expression, whether they be written or performed of channeled into flour and sugar. But I'm trying.
There's part of me that has never been quiet. It's conradictory and questioning and genrally quite the brat. But when I'm around you, talking to you, it's quiet. It whispers. It's calm. I feel this contentness and...recognition. I don't know if you've ever had something, done something, known someone where you have that clarity, that " I Know You"
I have that with you. The edges stop blurring.
You are something unexpected for me
The Phone Call
This is the point in the story where I call C and tell him that I need something from him so I know I can trust him. I need to know it's ok for me to feel this way. I need him to tell me it's ok or to let me go. Because none of this was planned, none of this was easy, and I don't want to keep caring so much. I never expected to meet him. I ever expected I'd want to let him in.
He talks about consistency, about how he's glad I fell this way, about how it's important for me. He says he doesnt want to hurt me.
I tell him I've lost the rulebook and don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.
He tells me nothing.
What I need. What I do. What will I do.
I do not need a ring. I do not need a boyfriend. I need my hand touched sometimes.
I'll stop letting him talk to me for hours on the phone. I think he needs this. I need to talk to him and put my hand on his neck, just sometimes.
I've cried for hours today.He doesn't want to hurt me. He doesn't hurt me. I hurt me.
Kidney stones hurt me. Crazy mothers hurt me. Loving someone when I've never loved before does't hurt me. Someone thinking they're protectig me...hurts me.
I'll give him his chocolate and a smile. Maybe sometimes I'll answer the phone. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I'll tell him if he wats to talk to me he has to be able to look at me. Maybe I'll move away from this city I hate that has the person I want, to a city that I don't hate that has people I don't want.