Wednesday, September 7, 2005


I've not given much thought to blogging the past week. I'm not a poltical blogger, socially active blogger, humanitarian blogger. I'm just a girl who makes stuff with sugar, loves her pugs, and has been nearly eaten alive by mosquitos of late.

Of course, I have opinions..sometimes too many, and sometimes too loudly. I'm trying to avoid those things now, because in my stomach I have that gross feeling (and not the one that comes from my being lactose intolerant and worshipping at the feet of the gods known as Ben and Jerry) but rather the one that starts in your stomach and moves into your head and makes some people cry or write bad poetry or rally or run or just scream.

The last time I had this gross stomach feeling was several Septembers ago, when I could smell the smoke from the fires burning downtown, and would wake up at night cowering in my bathtub because a bolt of thunder or a fighter jet screaming overhead had sent my still sleeping body into such panic I would dive for cover while still dreaming. I took my lease and utility bills out on every walk with the pugs because I didnt have a local ID and my block was barricaded on both sides. I did a lot of cleaning back then. For some reason when highly stressed I become very Martha-esque. i also do this when stoned out of my mind on medications. Cleaning is just not a natural response for me

I'm trying not to make some of the same mistakes this past week. I'll read the paper, but not watch the news. I know that stomach ache has a name with fancy intials now. Sometimes I start to feel jumpy, and I'll walk..this time in a new city, with no barricades on my block, and I'll smoke and hunt for something that gives me comfort, like a Nutrageous bar. I'm making myself tell my family how scared I was, because then it was so hard to do, because they were so far away, and so totally helpless. But I still can't say much, because now, this is so much worse, and I know so many people have that gross feeling in their stomachs, but this time it's SO MUCH BIGGER and I feel like I only had a 24 hour flu.

So I do what I can, to help all these aches, to rty and help others from aching so much, and so much more, but when it's late...I just scrubbed my bathtub again, and my refrigerator is probably next.