Friday, September 30, 2005

Not Intended For Human Consumption

I'm a year older today, and my blog is a whole year old..give or take a few days.

I suppose I should be reflecting. On..stuff. Whatever it is that someone who's now 29 should reflect on. But I think thats why I have blog I dont have to reflect.

This has not been a good week. I really...and I mean really...should never have moved this close to any members of my family. And what makes it worse is I KNEW I shouldn't. No matter how much things seem to have changed, when you move 1500 miles away and live by yourself for many years, that should tell you something. It's like kidney stones in a way. When you dont have them, you forget how painful they are, until a new one hits. And then as your eyes are rolling back in your head and you're screaming for more drugs to just make it stop, theres that godwaful moment of clarity. You thought they were gone. You took your meds and drank your water and got your xrays and thought they were gone, and out of nowhere they're back.


I needed a change of scenery. I needed a better "support" system. I got 'em. And now it looks like I need to start going back to those "Dude, everyone in my family is like SO totally alcoholic" meetings. And I HATE those meetings, because I really don't like people trying to hug me and hold my hand or get me to go out to coffee with them.

Because all I really want to do is yell at someone and tell them to grow up and take responsibility, stop being the victim, stop with the sneaking around and shaming and blaming everyone else, and make a choice. Because even though I'm a year older, I'm still damn well ok with running away from you again.

And of course, nobody made me a cake today.